Helping a loved one who is struggling with alcohol or drug use is emotionally one of the hardest things to do. You, however, also know that the person is destroying themselves, but if you press your point too much, the person can react by shutting you out completely. Most members of the family, partners, and friends who find themselves in this situation end up asking the same question: How can I talk about rehab without making the person be distant from me?
There is not a single way of doing it that suits everyone, but those people who have experienced such a situation, either as supporters or former clients, are pretty much on the same page when it comes to the principles that guide you. The points below are not clinical suggestions. They are just a bit more realistic and down-to-earth approach to the problem of how you get a conversation going and gently encouraging someone to get proper help, be it a counsellor from your area or a more structured residential treatment in California.
Start With How They’re Doing, Not What They’re Doing
People with addiction are often expecting to be criticized even before you say the words. They have been getting the lectures, the warnings, and the frustration. But what they hardly ever get is empathy.
One journalist, while interviewing families suffering from addiction, notes that this is the most common pattern: It is said that the families change the subject as soon as the blame is replaced by the concern. Something as simple as:
“You haven’t seemed like yourself lately.”
“I am noticing that you are very stressed, and I am concerned.”
being far better received than anything resembling an accusation. You are not ignoring the problem—you are giving them the opportunity to discuss it.
Pick the Moment Carefully
It is largely underestimated how much timing determines the result. Talking about rehab during a fight or while someone is intoxicated will most likely result in the person being defensive. Families who have experienced this situation and have come out victorious usually wait for a more peaceful time: a quiet evening, a long drive, or a conversation that already feels honest.
Moreover, being in a private place is still important. No one would want to discuss their alcohol or drug use in front of other people, especially when they are already feeling ashamed.
Stick to What You’ve Seen, Not What You Assume
When the ones closest to a person want to persuade that person to get help, they usually take it too far and too fast. In interviews, therapists point out that people are more likely to respond if you keep things factual and personal rather than dramatic and catastrophic.
For instance:
“You were absent from work twice last week.”
“After that last night out, you looked really troubled.”
“You have been isolating yourself from the things that you used to enjoy.”
These statements help the listener to open the door to interaction, without actually forcing them to do so.
Let Them Talk—Even If It’s Hard to Hear
One of the most common regrets that families have is that they realize they talked at the addict instead of listening to them. Addiction causes isolation. Simply being heard—without being interrupted, corrected, or having an outburst—often has the effect of softening the resistance to a much greater extent than disputes.
Use open-ended questions. Give them the time and place. Let them be inconsistent with their statements or talk without stopping. Listening doesn’t mean agreeing with everything; it means being there.
Offer Information When They’re Ready, Not Before
Putting a paper with rehab centers listed in front of a person who is not ready is most likely going to end up in the trash. A gentler method is more effective:
“I came across some places that seem to be very supportive. If you ever want to check them out together, I can.”
This way, the decision remains with them, which is much more important than most people realize.
If mental health problems are part of the picture, then talking about dual diagnosis drug treatment can make people feel that they are not expected to “fix everything” all at once. Addiction and anxiety, trauma, or depression treatment programs usually sound much less scary.
Know Your Boundaries Too
Helping someone does not require you to absorb every consequence of their addiction. When you read journalists who write about families facing addiction, the same guidance appears again and again – love the person, give support, but do not lose your own identity in the process.
At times, this means you refuse to give money that will pay for harmful habits. At other times, you must step away or find help for yourself – perhaps through Al-Anon or a nearby counselor.
Boundaries are not the enemy – they are the structure that keeps you upright.
Persuading someone to enter rehab seldom occurs in a single talk – it is a long, hard period – sometimes full of hope, often full of pain – until the person chooses change on their own. You cannot push them into treatment. What you can do is tell them the door stays open and you will be present when they decide to walk through it.
